“No matter how bad your heart is broken, the world doesn’t stop for your grief.” -Faraaz Kazi
On Weds., I went to go see Mom…my usual drive an hour one way and spend time with her…I have been driving an hour or so one way at least once a week for years now since this fall it has been more like 2 or 3 times a week. I get a coffee, find something good on the radio, hit 91 North and depending on the week, the month, or the day I drive and I cry, or I drive and I think, or I drive and try to tune it all out with NPR. Sometimes, my partner drives with me, and we talk, and I am transported back in time…back to before PSP. Sometimes, I am stressed and upset and angry and have zero patience with others on the road. Sometimes, I am in a good mood and can appreciate the beauty of Vermont. Other days, like last Wednesday I was a bit scattered, and before I left, I spent a solid fifteen minutes talking with my partner about balance.
In addition to mom, I have to manage the Crohn’s disease. Over the past two years, I have gotten progressively sicker and yesterday began a fairly intense new medication and more than likely I will have surgery this summer.I also work for myself from the comfort of home- this most days is a blessing. There is no way I would be able to be there for Mom or manage my own health without this freedom. It also means that on a fairly regular basis my phone is pinging away with work and I just want to throw it out a window and tell everyone to F-off cause don’t they get it? My Mom has PSP, and I want my life to stop for a while so I can spend as much time as possible with her. But, life does not stop just because we are going through this. My landlord still wants rent on the 1st of every month (although I will say he has been amazing at letting us pay late here or there when we have had to), my internet bill still needs to be paid, I still need to get to the grocery store, do laundry, attend to my partner (who is often neglected in this insanity that we find ourselves in), and be a participating and functioning member of society.
The question I posed to Ryan (the aforementioned partner) is how? How do I keep doing this? How do I find balance in the insane? How do I continue to maintain this when it is all-consuming? How do I get the time to weave, to knit, to sew, to take a walk, to do anything but work, care for mom, care for my health, etc. He replied to me and said, “you have been doing it for years, and you DO have a balance just right now it has been a little more intense.” I asked him, “do I go less often right now?” He said, “you do what you can live with.”
Wow, what a powerful statement- “You do what you can live with!”
The theme for the past two years has been- “no regrets.” I would rather be broke and have the wolves at the door, but, be present for Mom. I would rather go be with Mom then come home and work until midnight if need me. Then there are the days I just can’t. I just can’t do it, and then the feeling of regret, guilt, and conflict settle in my stomach. She never has ever said “no” to me.
One of my last memories of my mom before the PSP really took hold comes from July of 2015. I was in the hospital- GI obstruction, and I was not very okay. I was laying in bed watching television in my hospital bed with Ryan when my Mom walked into my room. I had not told her my room number or where I was in the hospital- but being my Mom, she figured it out. I was really out of it and ended up falling asleep right after she got there. It was the first real sleep I had. Knowing my mom was sitting next to my bed, standing guard over the scary shit gave me the freedom to sleep. I wish I had been more with it; I wish I could have gathered my energy and told her right then that even at 32 I had really needed my Mommy and I was so happy to see her. I felt bad because she drove all the way down to see me and the entire time I was there I slept. But, she knew that was exactly what I needed.
My mom needs us now in the same way. She needs us to be her voice when she doesn’t have the ability to talk. My mom needs our presence to give her peace and comfort. My mom needs us to be there and be present and just show up. But, I also need to make sure I have clean clothes, that the rent is paid, and that I eat more than a pop tart and coffee (at least sometimes). I also need time away from the pain and suffering. I need to do the things that fill my soul up and give meaning to life. I need balance in an unbalanced situation. So for today, today I will do my best to manage the medication side effects, work, life, and sometime in this day I will finish wrapping my loom and start a new project. I guess Ryan was right- I do have a balance even on the days it feels all consuming.